← How a Guide Copes with the Loss of an Esper
“As long as he’s alive, that’s enough for me.”
“A great devoted love, as long as your guide is safe.”
At first he’d thought that as long as he was alive, it was enough. Now he regretted it.
Nayun might learn the truth someday. Nothing else scared him, but that did.
It was orders from above. An operation that required his death. But saying he’d left for Nayun’s sake would’ve been bullshit.
“Does your guide even know how much you care?”
“Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t. I’ll do everything for him.”
It was a vow he made to himself.
An esper’s eyes caught even distant things with useless clarity. Jang Jaewan flinched at what entered his sight and reached out.
Nayun, talking with another esper, bowed his head and laughed as if breaking apart. A laugh he hadn’t seen in a long time.
He clenched his gloved fist. Unbearable jealousy surged.
*Sizzle*—something burned. Even as his flesh melted in the monster’s bodily fluids, he kept his gloved fist clenched. For a very long time.
He had work to do. To return to Nayun, he first had to deal with the anti-government forces. He couldn’t dare ask him to share that burden. So he had to bear it alone.
He couldn’t go to Nayun yet.
He was sincerely glad he hadn’t died. If he had, and had seen what Nayun was doing, he’d have clawed his way out of the grave… A sigh escaped him.
If Nayun wanted to grow stronger, he’d gladly watch his back. He didn’t like him handling monsters, but he could watch over him so he wouldn’t do anything too dangerous. He only hoped he wouldn’t fight the anti-government forces.
But would Nayun do that? Jang Jaewan was skeptical. Nayun would do far more reckless things—he had a strong feeling he would.
***
The reunion with his pair esper was a reunion, but reality awaited Nayun. He had to leave Jang Jaewan behind and return to unfinished business.
The terror on the ship had been quelled. The anti-government forces at the scene had tried to flee and were caught by the team on standby. At least, that’s what he’d heard.
When Nayun arrived, an anti-government esper had a task-force esper by the throat. It looked like the tables had turned at the last moment.
The anti-government forces were a violent lot. They’d resist at the cost of their lives. Which meant the capturing side had to accept casualties too.
“That clumsy idiot got caught there?”
Cursing under his breath at his sprawled junior, Nayun ran out, drawing his pistol in a hurry.
One shot to the foot. Mercy, by his own standards. The second took the anti-government esper’s leg. Nayun charged straight in.
Blue flames flickered in the wounded esper’s eyes. He immediately hurled aside the body in his grip and counterattacked Nayun. After a tussle, Nayun ended up pinned beneath him.
“What the… you’re a guide.”
The esper, his strong hand on his throat, read the guide’s wavelength and faltered. Nayun curled his lips. Unease crossed the esper’s face. Without removing the hand on his throat, Nayun laid his own hand over it. The esper’s eyes wavered.
*Too late.*
Before realization could dawn in those eyes, Nayun stole his wavelength. The burly body went limp like a puppet with cut strings. Smiling, Nayun seized the body.
He’d barely finished guiding Jang Jaewan, and using his power again left his fingertips numb.
*I’m really at my limit now. And this is all it takes.*
“Hurry.”
He was sick of pretending to be fine. Nayun tossed the body straight to his junior. He hid his trembling hands behind his back so no one would see.
The team leader stared as if he’d seen a ghost. Nayun smiled meekly. At the cajoling smile, the leader’s eyes narrowed. “Huh?”
“You left your post mid-mission on your own?”
“I’m sorry.”
The moment they returned after quelling the incident, the leader summoned the team member who’d abandoned the scene.
“A guide running around the field, and your leave piling up—you think you’re untouchable? Huh?”
“That’s not it.”
Nayun bowed his head. The leader, watching with a this-is-life-or-death look, put his hands on his hips.
“Your sense of responsibility is top-notch. I’ve never seen anyone like you.”
“……..”
“What the hell is your reason?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You need to explain so I can either chew you out or cover for you. Are you just going to keep your mouth shut?”
The leader was thoroughly furious. Nayun had been grilled for an hour about why he’d left the operation zone mid-mission.
“Would you believe me if I said my esper came back?”
“Who came back?”
“My esper.”
*My esper, a complete wreck.*
How had he survived over three years without guiding, in a state where he could rampage at any moment?
Could he have lived sanely?
Eating, sleeping, even breathing must have been agony. Who could fathom that pain? What the hell did the Center teach espers to produce something like that?
“If it’s your esper… don’t tell me, Jang Jaewan?”
“Yes.”
“He’s dead.”
The leader’s face said everything. Suspicion now spread across his flushed features. Was something wrong with this kid’s head?
At that look, Nayun twisted his lips. He thought he’d had enough of being treated like a lunatic. But there was more.
“I knew you talked to yourself sometimes, but now you’re seeing things? Want me to book you a psych consult?”
“I figured you wouldn’t believe me.”
“I’ve known you were crazy since you said you’d run field ops. But I can’t keep someone hallucinating on my team.”
Nayun confirmed at least one thing. The leader knew nothing. That Jang Jaewan was alive was still top secret.
“You think it’s nonsense.”
He sincerely thought it was a relief he wasn’t the only fool. If he’d been the only one in the dark, he’d have wanted to wring every other human’s neck.
He couldn’t forgive Jang Jaewan for abandoning him, but he could try to understand. Nayun smiled faintly.
“What’s funny? You’re going before the disciplinary committee. You know that, right?”
“Yes, well.”
Jang Jaewan had come back.
How many written reprimands was that worth? Even if that moment came again, he’d take dozens—no, hundreds.
“You should let the dead rest now…. Ha, I don’t even know why I’m saying this.”
“Team leader, he’s alive.”
“Alive in your heart? Of course he is.”
The leader gave him a fierce look, saying that wouldn’t get him out of the reprimands. Nayun closed his mouth and accepted meekly.
***
“When are you coming back?”
“When the cleanup is perfect.”
“When will that be?”
Damp with night dew, Jang Jaewan slipped silently through the window. It felt like they’d become lovers stealing secret rendezvous under cover of night.
Nayun closed the window. He took Jaewan’s silence as an answer.
Officially, esper Jang Jaewan was still a dead man. They couldn’t share quarters or meet where others could see.
“The Center should know how lax their security is. This is bad.”
Jang Jaewan said, dusting off his hands.
He’d slipped through the Center’s security net without a trace. At his nerve, Nayun was dumbfounded. Had he forgotten he was S-rank?
“Only you could.”
If the Center’s security chiefs heard him, they’d flip with indignation. It hadn’t been designed for just anyone to breach. Who but Jang Jaewan could?
“How did you get in without being seen?”
“The ops I ran were infiltration and assassination.”
Jang Jaewan nuzzled his head against him like a fawning beast, rubbing it. He looked like a big dog that’d done wrong, watching its master’s mood.
*Hmm.*
Nayun raised a hand and stroked his head. It felt oddly like petting a wild beast.
“I thought I could leave, but seeing you… I can’t think of anything. I can’t do it without you. I’d rather die than leave you again.”
Leave a Reply