He lowered his gaze, then lifted it again. It really did seem like he enjoyed it when I was miserable. He was a truly awful bastard.
“Your eyes’ll be swollen tomorrow.”
He laughed quietly, his voice hushed. Eunseo, who’d been quietly watching him, just nodded again. He had no idea why he — who hadn’t cried until now — had cried in front of Han Jaeheon, but after pouring it all out, his chest felt completely clear. It felt as if the anxiety and fear that had piled up layer upon layer had been washed away, even if only a little.
“If you feel like crying again, just tell me.”
“…No. I won’t cry.”
“You said that last time too.”
“…….”
At last, Han Jaeheon’s hand left his chin. Eunseo pulled his head back a little and took off his glasses, then wiped the remaining wetness with his palm. Considering what a flood of tears had burst out of him, hardly a trace was left on his face.
“Don’t go crying somewhere else for no reason. The world’s full of scary people, you know.”
The more time passed, the less Eunseo could understand what was going on in Han Jaeheon’s head.
“…You’re the scariest one, Han Jaeheon-ssi.”
“I know.”
“…….”
“I shouldn’t go doing scary things for no reason, should I?”
The sweet vanilla scent brushing the tip of his nose made Eunseo’s shoulders tense. It was Han Jaeheon’s pheromones, leaking out carelessly. He’d thought it was the ice cream’s scent…. Eunseo always felt like he was slipping off a cliff whenever alphas let their scent waft so casually in front of him — as if it were proof that no one saw him as an omega.
Whether he knew Eunseo wanted to flee or not, Han Jaeheon got up, went to the small room attached to the altar, and brought back a pillow and a blanket. Then, as he pleased, he shoved the table aside with his foot and dropped the blanket and pillow there as if tossing them. Luckily, his moving around scattered the pheromones a little.
“Now go to sleep.”
“Ah, I…”
“Say you’re fine and I think I’ll get mad.”
“……”
“Hurry.”
Coming around behind Eunseo, Han Jaeheon tugged his jacket off by the collar and took the glasses off his face too. A big hand pressed down hard on his shoulders — startling in his blurred vision — and Eunseo ended up lying flat on the floor. A pillow slid under his head. Soon a slightly heavy blanket was laid over his shoulders.
“Even if you’re not sleepy, just close your eyes and lie there.”
A hot palm came down over his eyelids. Eunseo blinked a few times beneath it,
then, against the palm pressing down harder and harder, had no choice but to close his eyes completely. It pressed until his eyes ached.
Back when he’d confessed that he liked him, Eunseo had thought his feelings had peaked then. No matter how he looked at it, Han Jaeheon was a guy who got on his nerves, the rudest person Eunseo had ever met — a bastard who, instead of fully forgetting his feelings the way he’d promised, only used them. He’d simply fallen for Han Jaeheon’s face and voice, that was all, so he’d believed this feeling would gradually fade with a little time. Back then, he hadn’t really doubted it.
But… Eunseo now had to admit what he’d finally realized. Han Jaeheon had dug into his loneliness. He’d dug all the way into Eunseo’s weakness — fearing being alone yet wanting to be alone, writhing in loneliness all the while. Before the decent kindness Han Jaeheon offered, and this warmth, that pain and rudeness — before the fact that he was the one who owned this memory that would be carved long and deep — he would lose again.
“Han Jaeheon-ssi.”
Eyes closed, Eunseo quietly called his name. The hand still pressing on his eyelids was hot. With this handful of kindness, Eunseo couldn’t help but like Han Jaeheon. So, emboldened by the small hours, he asked a favor.
“I won’t ask for it back in return, so…”
“……..”
“…But don’t treat it like it never happened.”
Jaeheon might not have understood what he was saying. He wanted to say he liked him
— but if he got rejected like last time, if Jaeheon said he’d treat it like it never happened again… it would hurt too much. And yet he couldn’t bear not saying it.
“…Please let me keep liking you.”
Han Jaeheon was silent. Cursing his own cowardice, Eunseo was too scared to open his eyes. The hand covering his eyelids lifted away, something cool brushed his neck, and he stayed there with his eyes shut. Only after a long while did Han Jaeheon finally speak.
“You won’t regret it?”
Regret? Han Jaeheon’s voice had sunk low, and uncharacteristically, there wasn’t a trace of laughter in it.
“Fine.”
“……”
“I won’t treat it like it never happened.”
“…Thank you.”
Honestly, nothing would change. Eunseo would never again tell Han Jaeheon he liked him, and Han Jaeheon’s behavior wouldn’t change either. But even so, Eunseo was content — just to be allowed to hold these feelings, and for them to have become feelings that existed between the two of them.
“Sorry for putting this on you.”
At his quietly added words, Han Jaeheon roughly yanked the blanket up and wrapped it snugly around Eunseo’s shoulders.
“…Just go to sleep already.”
For some reason, a laugh slipped out at the gruff tone. After laughing briefly, Eunseo lay still, then opened his eyes to a slit for a moment. His eyes met Han Jaeheon’s, gazing blankly down at him, so he squeezed them shut — and the big hand covered his eyes again, and pressed down.
***
The morning alarm he’d set for 6 a.m. every day began ringing through the air of the empty funeral hall. His groping hand finally closed around the phone, fumbling along the floor, and Eunseo sat up dazed, rubbing his swollen eyes. The blanket draped over his shoulders slid smoothly down to his waist.
Thanks to the boiler turned up hot, his body was toasty warm. As Eunseo tried to pull together his body, heavy from deep sleep, shaking his head this way and that, he was startled by the shape of another person lying beside him — his hips jerked. It was a wonder he didn’t scream.
Han Jaeheon was asleep, lying face-down without even a pillow. Flustered, Eunseo picked up his glasses from where they’d rolled on the floor and put them on, then unwound the blanket wrapped around himself and carefully draped it over Han Jaeheon. After covering him all the way to the shoulders, he gently patted him a couple of times.
What about a pillow? Afraid he might wake him by touching him for no reason, Eunseo hesitated, then carefully lifted Han Jaeheon’s head and slid a pillow underneath. His head was surprisingly
— smaller than he’d expected, and he was relieved not to have woken him.
After quietly getting up, washing up quickly, and coming back, Eunseo carefully sat down beside Han Jaeheon again. With his eyes closed and his pupils hidden, Han Jaeheon’s face looked gentler than ever. Now he understood what people meant when they all said he was incredibly handsome but kind-looking too.
Pretty and handsome — and with his eyes closed like that, cute too. Eunseo gazed at that very fine face for a long while, then sat back a little. If he sat too close, he didn’t know what he might do.
It frightened him — his heart, which he’d thought had no feelings left, taking on more color. He’d only meant to quietly keep his feelings of liking him, yet he’d cried, and his greed swelled so fast it made his plea — don’t treat it like it never happened — seem hollow. It was quite frightening. If their hands touched, he might want to hold his hand; if their shoulders touched, he’d want to press their chests together; and then he’d want to kiss him.
After gazing for a moment at those pretty pink lips, slightly parted, Eunseo pushed back on the soles of his feet, retreating a little further. And grew a little more frustrated. It was clear Han Jaeheon truly had no feelings for him — Eunseo went mad just from looking at his lips, yet Jaeheon could touch and handle them as he pleased. That was something you could never do if you had feelings.
But really…
“…Handsome.”
Without realizing he’d made a sound, Eunseo clamped his mouth shut. The voice of his heart had slipped out far too blatantly.
After holding his breath for a long while to check on Han Jaeheon, Eunseo, as if nothing had happened, only followed the dust drifting in the empty air with his eyes.
The slightly mussed hair at the back of his head was cute. His palms itched to lightly comb through it, but he held back and clenched his hands tight once more. Jaeheon’s promise not to treat it like it never happened didn’t mean he was accepting his feelings — yet he was giddy all on his own.
“Sleep well?”
“…Ah, yes. And you, Han Jaeheon-ssi?”
Han Jaeheon’s voice was soft with sleep. Feeling as if enveloped by the gentle greeting, Eunseo had stayed dazed on it for a while before barely managing to return the question.
“My body’s a bit stiff, but once I fell asleep I didn’t wake up once.”
Han Jaeheon stretched his arms out long. His ringed fingers rested prettily — white and long, like tree branches, but they didn’t look withered. Come to think of it, those fingers had pressed piano keys, or swept gracefully across them. Like a cat chasing a toy, Eunseo followed Han Jaeheon’s fingers with his eyes, then, startled with a small laugh at himself, looked straight ahead again. Han Jaeheon was gazing blankly at him. Apparently, without realizing it, he’d been staring far too long.
“Um… would you like some breakfast?”
The time was approaching to burn the last incense and carry the coffin out, but there seemed to be just barely enough time for breakfast. But Eunseo’s proposal, made with gathered courage, was rejected with a single shake of Jaeheon’s head.
“Mornings get hectic, so I’ll be going.”
“Ah, but still…”
Han Jaeheon got up and put on his jacket. He felt bad that he couldn’t even feed the man who’d stayed with him all night, but Jaeheon’s manner was too firm to hold him back.
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