“I’m obviously not talking about literally climbing stairs.”
Eunseo wanted to tear his hair out. As if testing his near-infinite patience and persistence, Han Jaeheon was practically an idiot when it came to quantum mechanics. He seemed to get the inorganic chemistry part later on, but for quantum mechanics — barely two chapters — he didn’t even look like he wanted to understand.
“You need energy to climb stairs, right?”
“Yes, right.”
“By absorbing energy….”
Explaining hard, Eunseo felt his anger spike higher seeing Han Jaeheon smiling at his face instead of the book. Here he was deploying every analogy to get through that dense skull — what was he so happy about?
“Ah, sorry. It’s just….”
“…Han Jaeheon-ssi.”
“You’re so earnest, it’s kind of fascinating.”
“Please, try to remember what you learned in physical chemistry?”
“I’m trying… I got a D in physical chemistry too, you know.”
A D. No matter how brutal engineering GPAs were, getting a D in a major course meant you’d either gotten on the professor’s bad side or shown up for nothing but attendance.
“Quite the boast.”
“Haha, TA. Your mouth keeps getting sharper.”
Too tired to even answer, Eunseo pressed his lips shut and just breathed slowly. It was now the third week of after-class studying with Han Jaeheon, and he was reaching his limit. Eunseo wanted to take back every boast about his persistence, and retract the nod he’d given, overpowered by Han Jaeheon’s forcefulness that day. But looking into those eyes watching him quietly, chin propped, his mouth just wouldn’t open.
Why am I so weak to this face? It wasn’t like there were no handsome people around him. Jin Seunghu, stuck to his side every day, had been famous across campus since undergrad — but Eunseo wasn’t weak like this with him. If anything, he prided himself on being the only one who treated him so dismissively.
But Han Jaeheon… Eunseo barely tore his eyes from his face. At this rate he’d clearly notice everything. At least the fact that Eunseo was terribly weak to his face… he might’ve already noticed, might be staring like that on purpose.
His vision swam a little, so Eunseo took off the heavy glasses pressing on his nose, set them on the desk, and rubbed his temples a few times. Better to see a bit blurry. Being swayed around by that face was absolutely out of the question.
Waving his hand through his vision — barely distinguishing colors in the light — Eunseo put his glasses back on. Han Jaeheon, eyes widening like he was a little startled, visibly rearranged his expression in an instant.
“The first exam will be mostly quantum mechanics.”
“Makes sense. That’s all we’ve learned so far.”
About to ask so what are you going to do about it, Eunseo let out another big breath. It would’ve been fine if he were just pretending not to know to tease him. Jin Seunghu would definitely want to check the grades of the Han Jaeheon he was tutoring, and if they were a wreck, he’d have years of material to tease him with.
“TA, want to go get dinner?”
“We haven’t even gotten past the first section.”
“They say you can’t study well hungry. And I still owe you that dinner.”
He wanted to ask what last week’s sandwiches had been then, but Eunseo didn’t open his mouth rashly. He didn’t want to get his hopes up for nothing.
“How about the pizza place in front of the business school?”
“All the way over there?”
Eunseo had been thinking of one of the three restaurants in the student union at most; suddenly the restaurant was far too far. Fifteen minutes on foot — thirty round trip — plus ordering and eating would take another hour, throwing away an hour and a half.
“Honestly, I don’t think studying will go well today. I was going to eat dinner and head home.”
“Then just….”
“Why don’t you head out early too, TA?”
“No, I have work to do.”
“…Then I’ll have to eat dinner alone.”
For a moment Eunseo thought he was seeing things. A hallucination of big drooping ears on the head of the man clearly much bigger than him, the ears wilted. An absurdly cute delusion — not forced, not repulsive — and he was almost impressed with his own taste.
“I could eat dinner alone….”
“Of course I can eat alone.”
Mumbling in a wilted voice, Han Jaeheon was clearly up to something. Eunseo tried hard not to look, thinking about how far that attitude had already backed him into a corner — but the seminar room was small, the two of them sat side by side like spoons in a drawer, and try as he might to avoid his eyes and duck his head, it wasn’t working.
Once again, coming face to face with him as if it were the most natural thing, Eunseo nodded silently: fine. It was the only choice he had left. Face brightening, Han Jaeheon started packing up, and Eunseo gathered the two general chemistry books. He’d taken to bringing two books from the lab for the Han Jaeheon who still never brought one — but one of them never even got opened.
“Give me the book. It’s heavy.”
“It’s not heavy.”
“I don’t carry mine because it’s heavy.”
“So you do have a book?”
“It’s in my locker.”
Han Jaeheon didn’t bring his book to lectures either. Though, busy as he seemed, he usually had his laptop open writing other reports…. Watching what he did from behind gave Eunseo the feeling his blood pressure was rising, so he’d decided not to linger in the lecture hall after attendance anymore.
“You have to pack up at home anyway, so wait here.”
“I can come with you.”
“Outsiders aren’t allowed in the lab, as a rule.”
Forcibly snatching the books from Han Jaeheon, Eunseo told him to wait there and headed quickly for the lab. So I’m getting dragged into dinner again — all his days of trying to dodge it somehow, useless.
“Oh, senior?”
“You’re still here?”
“You’re still here too, senior.”
“You’re still tutoring that punk?”
Frowning, Jin Seunghu set down his laptop mouse with a tok and snapped. While Eunseo floundered, unsure why he was reacting like that, Seunghu stood and took the heavy books from his arms.
“Why two books?”
“That’s….”
“That bastard doesn’t even bring his book?”
Unable to answer, Eunseo rubbed the back of his clasped hands, and Jin Seunghu sighed. At the genuinely heavy sigh, Eunseo hunched his shoulders without thinking, and Jin Seunghu patted his head.
“Look at your face.”
“……..”
“He looks at your face and still feels like asking for tutoring?”
“I agreed to it….”
“How many weekends in a row have you been coming to the lab?”
“……..”
“You’ll collapse at this rate.”
“It’s fine. I’m not that tired….”
“Not tired, with dark circles down to here?”
Not wanting more nagging, Eunseo pushed off the hand covering his head and started tidying his desk. The moment he zipped his bag with his laptop and a bundle of lab reports inside, the lab door opened.
“TA, are you still— oh.”
“…Han Jaeheon. Long time no see?”
“Ah, hello, senior.”
They knew each other? Come to think of it, from the start Jin Seunghu had called Han Jaeheon ‘the alpha bastard born to rich parents.’ Reading the strange air between them, Eunseo quietly put on his bag.
“Long time. You don’t come to the alumni meetings.”
“Alumni meetings?”
“Ah, he’s my high school senior. We met at the campus alumni meeting.”
Han Jaeheon and Jin Seunghu were seven years apart, yet they’d met at an alumni meeting. Eunseo was faintly impressed by Jin Seunghu’s sociability, attending alumni meetings even in grad school.
“If you’re not going to study, why torment Eunseo?”
“I’m studying super hard. Right, TA?”
“…Yeah, well.”
He couldn’t quite say he’s working hard… Just wanting out of this awkward scene, Eunseo gave Jin Seunghu a quick bow and tugged Han Jaeheon’s bag strap. Eunseo looked almost pitifully eager to escape, so Han Jaeheon greeted Jin Seunghu and slipped out of the lab.
“Are you close with senior Jin Seunghu?”
“…Huh? Yeah, well…, he’s my lab senior.”
“Isn’t the age gap big?”
“It is, but… I’m his direct junior.”
Summer hadn’t fully retreated, so the days were still long. The sunset sky was so red it was almost frightening, but the attitude of the Han Jaeheon standing beside him was scarier. A strange coldness hung around him.
“He takes good care of you.”
“Yes, he does….”
“Noticing how far your dark circles have come down, too. Haha, am I working you too hard, TA?”
There were thorns — bones — in his words. Eunseo, realizing Han Jaeheon had heard everything Jin Seunghu said, gripped and released his backpack straps for no reason. Honestly, Jin Seunghu hadn’t said anything wrong. His complexion was bad, it was true he hadn’t rested a single weekend since the semester started, his dark circles had deepened…. And even if Han Jaeheon wasn’t the whole cause, he was clearly part of it.
“Th-that’s not because of Han Jaeheon-ssi. I just have a lot of work.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes, I have to look at my graduation thesis, and a good opportunity came up so I have more support work…. That’s why.”
“Then that’s a relief. I was wondering if it was because of me, whether I should suggest we stop.”
That would’ve been nice, but… Eunseo had now realized he couldn’t be the one to end this first. Those few hours with Han Jaeheon had eaten his weekends — and yet he’d discovered these hours had become something of a tonic.
“Then my graduation would’ve gone down the drain.”
Han Jaeheon, mood flipped like a turned palm, smiled brightly. Backlit against the red sunset, his face didn’t look as frightening as a moment ago, but the chill still seeped in, and Eunseo rubbed his exposed skin with his palms a few times. Goosebumps had faintly risen.
“They say salmon is good for dark circles. Let’s go eat salmon.”
“…Okay.”
“I couldn’t tell with the glasses, but your complexion is worse than before.”
But still, he didn’t just tell him to go in and rest. That was exactly the distance between Han Jaeheon and him. Eunseo smiled with just his lips. A twisted smile — eyes not smiling at all, just the lips slightly off, like a pierrot.
“I don’t think quantum mechanics is going to work for me.”
“Seems so.”
“You think so too, TA? I thought you wouldn’t give up….”
“I’m not giving up… but I’m starting to think giving up might be better.”
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